Far from the Light of the Day
by Scimitarmoon
Summary: When Jack lifted her out of the water, he saved her body, but left behind her sanity. A Tok'ra Tragedy.
1. Torment

AN: Very dark, contains a large amount of personification and the possibility of it becoming confusing.  
  
It had been so long, and now she could only wait for herself to give in. One day she would resist the torture no more, and they would know everything, she would break. She prayed for this day to come soon, for her will finally to become ineffective; she wanted it to stop. She felt like she had been broken into a thousand pieces, but somehow she had glued herself back together; all she had to do was play the waiting game and wait for the glue to unstuck, but she didn't want to play this game anymore.  
  
With every fibre and sinew of her being she was devoted to the Tok'ra resistance, but those sinews felt ready to break. Part of her wanted to break, but another part wanted to continue suffering; that part didn't miss her fingernails. Every day the weak part grew smaller, dragging her sanity further and further away. Madness' icy grip was taking hold of her mild soul, stripping it bare- leaving behind a limp frame of a puppet that was conducted by a masochistic Gollum-like thing. Tayra was loosing herself, and wanted to break before she completely disappeared- she didn't want to leave behind the psychotic creature that had scratched at the walls until her fingertips were worn to the bone, that took some grim enjoyment from the pain.  
  
But for now the Gollum and Sanity grudgingly shared their dwelling; one of them was going to leave soon. Sanity wanted out, and the Masochist was grimly happy in its dank hole, in its suffering.  
  
It had never been like this, she had been tortured before, but this experience was unique. Aphrodite was a sadist; even by Goa'uld standards- the others, even the ones with more power secretly feared her.   
  
She craned her neck to look upwards, at the circle of pale light that lay far above, at the end of a long, damp tunnel. The walls were cold grey and wet, and the icy water promised to drag her down into hypothermia, loss of consciousness and death; but it was lying. The false God would not let her die, she could not even try to drown herself, she would be forcefully rescued, and given and even more agonising punishment. She had been down there four days now, and she had stopped shivering.  
  
It was so dark and cold, and Sanity pressed with even more enthusiasm to be let go. Fly free from the body that contained it, rise out of the darkness like a dove in flight; abandon it's vessel and leave it to its solitary pain.  
  
"They will come for us." Said Hope. "Don't give up now, or ever."  
  
"Nonsense!" Contradicted Sanity. "They'll never come for you, you'll never die. Let me go, and you shall suffer no more from torture, but revel in it." Soon it would fly free from its cage anyway, even though the vessel still clung to it, clawing at its wings.  
  
An's legs finally gave up, and she lowered herself into the cold black water, allowing it to claim a little more of her, and she gasped at the shock of the water submerging her breasts. Her hair had been wet when Aphrodite's Jaffa had pushed her into the well, now it was matted with blood and a considerable amount of ice. Ané moaned fitfully, telling herself that it would never be over, that she would loose her grip soon, and sanity would flee; the torture would never, ever end. Perhaps the Gollum would tell Aphrodite all that she wanted to know, maybe not to end the suffering, but because it could not stand to be asked the same question over and over again. Perhaps then the dismal creature would be put out of its misery.  
  
Then there was shouting, screaming, shooting. Then silence…voices. Ané didn't think about it, she was in the habit of ignoring things, there was never anything she needed to pay attention to. Hope told her to keep her wits about her, sanity begged to differ.  
  
"Where hell is she supposed to be? We're in the middle of nowhere!" Said a voice, giving hope its strong hold.   
  
"The Jaffa here must be guard something, or someone."  
  
"What? In the middle of nowhere? Why couldn't Queen Slutty Greek Goddess put her somewhere obvious, like all the nice sensible Goa'uld?"  
  
"Aphrodite had the reputation of being the most, vicious, wrathful Goa'uld, despite her considerably low rank. She must have Ané here for some form of torture."  
  
"Here? I don't see her here!"  
  
Voices that weren't of Jaffa, perhaps the Gollum was playing tricks on her…but the thought soon passed, for Hope did not believe that is was a delusion.   
  
"Should we really be hanging around? If Aphrodite catches us and decides to unleash her wrath and viciousness it's gonna be a bit of a bummer."   
  
Ané tried to called out, but could muster nothing more with her fatigued throat than a hoarse whisper; still hope urged her on, still Sanity begged to be let out of its cage.  
  
"Well? Well…a well!"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"The well!"  
  
"What about a well? Hey, maybe Aphrodite is an even bigger walking cliché than Anubis and has an underground lair."  
  
"No Jack, the well, maybe the Tok'ra's in there."  
  
"I agree with Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Why the hell would she be in a well?"  
  
Ané made attempt after attempt to call out, even when she managed to raise her voice to a small shout they couldn't hear her. Pessimistic Sanity called out to be freed again- they would never be found, it said. Hope told her to keep trying- and she listened to hope. The stormy grey light faded suddenly, and a shadow was cast over her, Ané looked up, and finally Sanity gave in, accepting its vessel. Hope reigned in her weary mind, it was the final victor.  
  
"Can you see anything down there, Colonel?"  
  
"No."  
  
Hope urged Ané to wade into the pool of shadow in the centre of the chasm, and persuaded her to cry out.  
  
"Oh shit." Horror and fear laced the anonymous voice.   
  
There was the sound of crumbling stone, and feet against the cobbled walls. The light was almost completely blocked out by a silhouette, and then a gentle splosh. "That'll do Daniel."   
  
Hope sang shrilly, letting glorious light and relief shine back into the tattered soul of the Tok'ra. She was close to freedom, freedom that she had never dreamed of enjoying again. Death maybe, but freedom had never been an option. She felt two hands grab her firmly, and pull her out of the water. "Oh my god." Said the male voice. He sounded disgusted; maybe Ané was as ruined on the outside as she was on the inside. "Can you hear me Ané? It's OK now, I've got you." Ané gave no sign, her last strength gone. "I think she's out, Daniel! Take me up!"  
  
"Crap, are you having any problems lifting her Jack?"  
  
"No, she's like a bunch of sticks strung together."   
  
Ané felt herself going upwards, light; then a catatonic darkness. 


	2. Hollow

The eyes a half broken Tok'ra that had been brought so close to defeat stared vacantly up at the ceiling, unmoving, unblinking. She looked dead, but the blinking monitor said otherwise. Her morbid, emaciated appearance was almost frightening; how anyone could endure such torture and still be living baffled Colonel Jack O'Neill. Her body didn't look fit to contain a heart that beat, or to hold a soul that had not fled. But some how, it did. Somewhere deep inside that wasted form lay a spirit that against all odds clung on with all its might, every moment was a struggle, every blip of the monitor was a small victory. Beat after heart beat, that soul did not give up.  
  
Jack admired the strength of the Tok'ra, after so much suffering; still she would not give in. The road to death was smooth and easy, and death itself an eternal respite from the turmoil; but the road to life was littered with obstacles, which hindered her progress to the light. Life itself was the biggest obstacle of all, and Jack wondered if she would defeat it. She had got this far, after all, perhaps it was worth it, perhaps there was something that life offered that was worth living for.  
  
The vacant eyes blinked, and slowly a dull spark of life renewed them. The head turned weakly to face the Colonel. "Hello." Jack said, offering a soft smile. "In case you're wondering, you're in the infirmary of SGC, Earth." She did not answer, "Can you hear me?" The Tok'ra nodded weakly and groaned, her eyes slowly glazing over with tears.  
  
"I don't remember." She said hoarsely. "Is it over?"  
  
"Its over," Jack reassured, taking her hand, "It didn't look like you'd pull through, but some how you made it."  
  
"Oh." Ané said, the tears falling freely now. "I am alive."  
  
"By a thread." Jack chuckled. "Do you want anything?" The woman shivered in response. "Cold?"  
  
"It is always cold." She stated, her voice hollow and weak. "It doesn't end, no one will come."  
  
"You're not in that hole anymore, and we came for you, we rescued you remember?" Jack said, perhaps she was having a flash back, perhaps she had awaken but not in the real world. In her solitary prison her mind had drifted away from reality, trying to cope with its situation, perhaps it had not yet made it back. Maybe it never would. "Can you hear me?"  
  
"Zorah died and she left me all alone; she's gone, and I am not gone with her. It doesn't end and I want it to! Oh!" Ané moaned, shaking her head. Jack hesitate, and stared down at her. There was the body of a Tok'ra, that's soul was elsewhere. Wherever it was, it was so far from him that it could not hear his voice; she was alone, she couldn't be touched by those were in reality so close, in fantasy they were a lifetime away, it was a frightening notion. Jack pulled himself out of nervous hesitation and fetched Doctor Frasier who shone lights in the eyes of the Tok'ra and changed dosages of drugs. After several minutes that seemed like hours Frasier stood up straight and observed the patient.  
  
"I can't do anything for her. She's responsive, but not 'with us'. In her mind she's still in that well, and I can't pull her out of it." Frasier said gravely, shaking her head. "She's living in a nightmare."  
  
"The Tok'ra should be here soon, maybe they can help her." Jack said, hopefully. She had come this far, after all. Struggled so hard and it couldn't all be for nothing- all for dragging her back into the gruelling torture. She was far from her prison now, but at the same time she was still there. Feeling every lap of water around her chest, the silt covered stone beneath her, the unreachable light above her. Maybe she could never be pulled out, only pulled deeper until the darkness engulfed her, to the point where it all ended. In darkness, in death came rest, perhaps, Jack thought as the sirens rang shrilly as the Gate opened, she would've been better off if she had died. Death provided respite that the soul so desperately needed, life extended Aphrodite's intent. Jack glanced over his shoulder, as Daniel and Teal'c, accompanied by a shy looking Tok'ra stepped into the room.  
  
"How is she?" Daniel asked. Jack shook his head, and he looked grim. The Tok'ra nervously stepped forwards and touched An's hand, tears drowning his eyes.  
  
"She said that Zorah died." Jack commented. "Anyone know who Zorah is?"  
  
"Her symbiote" The Tok'ra said quietly, quite shaken and speechless by the situation.  
  
"Her symbiote's still there. If it had died her body would've absorbed it." Frasier said, frowning heavily. "But…there are other ways of being dead than just physically. I can't say if either of them will ever 'come back to us', I really don't know much about Tok'ra psychology, she could be lock inside her own nightmare for a very long time, or she could come out of it right now, its impossible to tell. I should think it would help if she has familiar people around her, talking to her, that often helps humans in catatonic states, I think it would be the same for Tok'ra." Frasier explained, the Tok'ra nodded slowly.  
  
"I would like to be alone with her." He requested.  
  
"Oh, are you two friends?" Frasier asked, not accustomed to being kicked out of her own infirmary.   
  
"Yes, she is my mate." The Tok'ra explained  
  
"Oh, of course." Frasier blinked with surprise, and did not hesitate to heard the others out of the room. Once alone, painfully the Tok'ra sat down and stared into the eyes of the woman whom he had tirelessly adored for as long as he could remember. She had always been there, ever since the beginning: Zorah, the beautiful creature that lay somewhere instead the wreck of her host. And Ané, she had been so beautiful too; and now there was so little left of her he could hardly recognise her. And now, at least one of them lay in a feverish nightmare, torturing herself with the same torture that Aphrodite had inflicted on her. His world would end if she was to die; but if she was to live on in unimaginable agony, it would be much worse. He would have to live every day in the same torture, being so close to his mate, but quite unable to help her. Ané was drowning in cold, unforgiving waters, and only she could break the surface.  
  
"Hello Ané, its me." He began, not really knowing what to say, but only that speaking to her was important. "You're not there any more, you're safe. If only you could convince yourself that you are!" Ané moaned and turned to face him, but her eyes did not register his presence. The Gollum was at her ear, whispering lies that she accepted as truths. She could fight it no longer, had not the strength to carry on.  
  
"You're dreaming again." Said the Gollum, "Look at these four walls, are they not as solid to you as they were the day before?" Ané reached out, and touched the stone that she imagined to be hard and unforgiving, it was very much there. She looked up, and saw the mocking circle of light that danced above her, just out of reach. Perhaps she had left Sanity's cage open, and hope was playing tricks.  
  
"Ané, I love you. Please find it in you to come but a step further. Come back to reality, or take a step back- find peace Ané, wherever that may be."  
  
She couldn't be dreaming, and Hope eagerly agreed. Ané heard the voice of her mate, and forced herself to believe that, no matter how real it felt, the icy stone wall that surrounded her was not real. She remembered now, the light had not been so far out of reach. When she blinked again the Gollum fled, and took with it her morbid fantasy. The numbing cold, the darkness and the consuming water disappeared to, and was replaced by a dull, flat ceiling, four pale grey sterile walls, the sounds of primitive machinery, the hastening blips of a monitor. And her love.  
  
The change was so sudden that An's brain struggled to reason, to understand the dramatic leap over the canyon that split in two fantasy and reality. Ané clenched her fists and screamed as loudly as she was capable of, the numb exhaustion quickly chased away by adrenaline and replaced by total fear. Several human that did not possess symbiotes raced into the room, and in desperation Ané grabbed the wrists of her lover and clung on for dear life.  
  
"Its OK Ané, calm down, you're safe." Said a petite, red headed woman wearing a white coat, who attempted to subdue her.  
  
"No, NO! ZORAH!!" Ané screamed, looking around wildly. There were people around her, but within she was completely alone. She reached deep inside herself, and then checked the room around her. There was nothing. "ZORAH!" Still nothing, still her symbiote did not reply. The red head drew out a syringe, and a bleak month of white walls, hysteria and heavy medication passed in a short blur. 


	3. Done

When Ané finally managed to string together a coherent thought she found herself squatting in the corner of a stark, white room, shaking and sweating. Completely bewildered, Ané stared around the monotonous, featureless room and attempted to work out what was going on. Where was she? How long had she been there? Leaning heavily against the wall Ané hosted herself into a standing position, her legs felt weak and quite unused; she had been on the floor for quite some time. But why?   
  
The room was pure white, and was illuminated by an equally white light. The was had a strange, smooth appearance, and as Ané gingerly prodded it the cool, soft plastic was compressed under her finger. The room had no windows, and was completely enclosed, Ané discovered a break in the wall, and a tiny piece of glass that was far to small to let light in from the outside. Cautiously she limped towards it and looked out; there was a long line of doors on the other side of a wider corridor, all with equally small windows near the top. They were prisons.  
  
Maybe she had been captured by the Goa'uld…but…  
  
The thought was a catalyst that pulled a chain of memories out of the blank. There was a dark damp prison, then light, a Tauri man who sat at her side, her lover…and then a new prison. A prison that was light and dry, men in white coats entered it and stuck needles in her arms- now the memories of the daily war between herself and men was crystal in An's mind.   
  
Day after day they would close the door behind her and utter intentionally calming words, but they had no effect on her, she would struggle and scream and fight against them, but they still managed to subdue her, and pump her full of substance that made her feel less inclined to irrational violence; sometimes the silenced the voices of the Gollum and Sanity in her head. Sometimes she became calm enough to sleep, sometimes she stopped screaming. But everything had always been so senseless, so confused, and now Insanity's deranged shrieking lament had ended, and Sanity had returned to its cage, bringing with it restful silence.  
  
And with the peace and silence, came Reason. Ané began mulling over her situation, it now became evident to her that she had been placed inside this strange prison for her own safety. Insanity had been pulling the strings, and she could not imagine what it would've made her do. But now Insanity was suppressed, and the padded walls had no more purpose to serve.  
  
Somewhere down the corridor a lock clicked, and a door creaked open; eagerly Ané limped towards the door and looked out; a greying man in a white coat strode passed. Urgently, Ané hammered on the door and shouted- "Help, please! I need to speak with you!" The man turned and looked through her window. "Please tell me, what planet is this?" The man pressed in a code into a pad in the wall, and the lock clicked, slowly he opened the door and stepped inside.  
  
"You are on the planet Earth." He said, smiling.   
  
"Oh." Ané pondered on this for a moment. "For how long?"  
  
"You suffered from a psychotic break down approximately a month ago, until now you've made very little progress; and we've heard nothing from your symbiote." Nothing. There was nothing. Ané reached inward, and felt absolutely no presence of another being.  
  
"Where is she?" Ané said, hoping that the man in the white coat could provide an answer to her whereabouts.   
  
"She is within you, physically anyway. If you cannot sense her presence it may indicate that she has indeed suffered from a mental break down." The man explained. "It means that, where ever Zorah is, she is not with us. If her consciousness is still inside her somewhere, there is virtually no chance of her coming back." Anè froze, and considered this. Zorah was gone from her, Sanity was safe inside its cage, and the Gollum had flown far away; and it had dragged her precious symbiote with it.  
  
She was gone to a place where Ané was sure that she was suffering. Back to the fig mental well and she could not be fished out; four damp walls enclosed the solitary Zorah, dividing her from her host.  
  
With time Ané seemed to improve; she took all her pills, visited a psychiatrist, ate healthily and appeared to be happier. But they could not see beyond her exterior. No one could. A week after she had been allowed out of her white prison the body of Zorah was removed by request of the host; to die. Ané knew that it was the only way her unknown torture could be halted; only minutes after she was removed, Zorah's tiny heart stopped beating, and she finally died in the arms of her host.  
  
It was what she would've wanted, Ané knew that somewhere in the depths of her prison Zorah was crying out for deliverance and release. And now she was free to fly home- now she would live eternally in the presence of those who came before Ané and all those who loved her. Her spirit was safe now, but it was not with Ané.  
  
Every day was empty, every moment a cruel taunt to An's existed. She had chosen to stay with the Tauri, away from those who reminded her of the companionship she had once enjoyed. Each day was a waste of time, all but those, which harboured joyful visits from her beloved mate. She existed solely for him; each embrace provided comfort and the smallest but most precious respite that she could ever experience. But it always ended, he had to go home and leave her behind. She loved him infinitely, and although his presence was the only thing keeping her going, it tore her up- she could sense the presence of a symbiote, and it painfully reminded her of the thing she lacked. The thing she could barely lived without.  
  
As each day of waiting passed, it became even less worth it. Ané was tired of waiting, tired of the loneliness; so she brushed her hair and left her quarters. The corridor was crowded, but by chance the nearest person was Daniel Jackson. With quick precision she snatched his gun from his holster, her heart beat racing and adrenaline flooding her veins. Confusion set in, that would make her liable to reason. But Ané did not want to reason. Daniel put his hands out and uttered words of persuasion.  
  
"Don't do it Ané, put it down. You're not thinking rationally." He said.  
  
"I've never been more rational." Ané said coldly, silently praying for forgiveness off what she was about to force the innocent bystanders to witness.  
  
"Have you been taking your pills?"  
  
"Always! Always take my pills, and there are more every day." Ané shrieked, pointing the gun in a random direction. She thought of her amte- and how much he would cry for her. Zorah wouldn't want this, either, but she would also hate it if her hosted went through the motions day by day, painfully empty; dead in all ways but one. It wouldn't be hard. She was done with the five different types of pill that she had to take three times a day, done with pretending she was coping, done with agonising, rational Sanity.  
  
Done with everything, even the intense love she had shared since her joining; that which she feared the idea of leaving behind, almost as much as she feared an oblivion with Zorah. But it still wasn't enough, the price was too high.  
  
"Ané, think of your mate."  
  
"I always will." Ané said, raising the gun to her head. She would think of him for every day of eternity. She'd left him a short note, he would understand, she knew.  
  
And then she pulled the trigger.  
  
To my beloved,  
  
I will never stop loving you, now I am with my symbiote and the Others before me. It is how it should be.  
  
-An  
  
End. 


End file.
